I wrote in another post about Immaculéé Ilibagiza’s story. Here I want to tell about how the story very practically helped me in a moment of terror.
First, I just want to mention, last week I had a moment of gratitude because I remembered what state I was in a few years ago. A state of constant fear with daily panic attacks that lead to agoraphobia – fear to leave my house, fear to do anything! I had a moment last week to realize Thank God I got out of that! Well, I guess Holy Spirit had a bit more clearing up of my perception to do as days later that fear was back in the limelight again!
So back to this week: A very simple common situation. A very real fear. The situation was I had my first day of work at a new job. I had never done a job like this before. I had always been in the “corporate desk job world” and more often than not running my own business meaning I had control of my hours & my actions. This job is shift work. I didn’t realize there would not even be breaks. My shift was ‘only’ three hours after all and the law here says employees get a break every three hours.
So, I started my shift clumsily as a trainee. After a while I started to get tired and felt it must be quitting time soon. So I looked at a clock. Here is where the terror started to creep in. When I looked at the clock I saw I had TWO MORE HOURS TO GO. I couldn’t believe it but I got back to work. More time passed. I felt I must be getting close. I looked at the same clock. What?! Still TWO HOURS TO GO. I started to feel panicky. Ok I must have read it wrong. My body became tense, thoughts like, I won’t make it that long, I am going to pass out, this is too hard… I kept going. After more time passed, I looked again. OMG! Still TWO HOURS to go. What is happening?! I felt I was in the movie groundhogs day and was stuck here.
At this point I felt really trapped. I was shaking and anytime there was a lull in activity my mind would race with fear thoughts. I finally dared to look at the clock again and this time it atleast said I only had one and half hours to go. Time was passing atleast. Thoughts raged about how I was going to have to quit this job. Find another way to get some fast cash to get my account out of overdraft!
I made it through the shift and had to rush to pick up my kids from school. I had to make dinner, I had to talk to my kids. It was hell, I was still in a panic. I considered taking a xanex. But, decided to try to realize this was not real. But I could not sit still, I had to keep busy, put on the tv, do anything to distract me from the fear.
I finally put on some Course in Miracles youtube videos of David Hoffmeister. This often calms me. But I was barely able to listen. I was having suicidal rages. I did not want to live like this again/anymore. Then a thought came (what I consider “guidance from the Holy Spirit), “that woman from the Power of the Heart movie. I need to see it.” I immediately put the movie on. I fast forwarded to the Immaculée part.
I was walked through the steps she took while she told them.
- See how physically and emotionally you feel when you are focused on fear or anger thoughts
- ask God (Holy Spirit in my case) for help.
- Ask how to forgive
- Choose again. Choose love or fear. Who do you want to be a symbol like Mother Theresa or Hitler?
- Follow guidance (she had an urge to beg her neighbor to move a wardrobe in front of the bathroom door) and thus they were not found at the next search. Alternatively, before the event occurred she did not want to come home to Rwanda and then wanted to leave but her family convinced her in both cases (aka not listening to guidance).
Not only did I start to feel calmer but it was like a black veil had been lifted. I started to think of many situations in my life that I fear and for some reason they no longer evoked stress/fear. The week before my crisis was trying to pay an overdue electric bill. With my account overdrawn I could not pay it. The electric company left a message saying they were coming to turn it off. I also have an illegal installation and feared if they came I would be fined, cut-off and maybe even arrested (fear goes this far). My mother (who is far from well off) agreed to pay it. We tried for 24 hours. Her card kept getting declined because I live abroad it was seen as a scam. I asked my ex husband for a loan. He said no. I then asked if he would pay it with his credit card and take it out of my child support. He finally agreed and it was paid. But the current bill was still due so nothing seemed resolved. (as is always the ego’s choice)
Back to this week. So this huge fear had been looming over me. Adding fears every day, I won’t be able to heat my house, my ex will take my kids, I am going to be kicked out of my house. Etc. Etc.
After watching the movie, for some reason (guidance?) at this first moment of calm, I went to my electric box and took down the meter reading. I went to the website, entered the reading and BAM surprise. It was stated that I had overpaid by 900€! It really felt like a miracle. Something had changed in my way of thinking. I was no longer afraid to look at the situation. Everything I looked at/thought about felt like gratitude or a miracle. I was no longer in fear mode. Normally in or after a panic, the LAST thing I want to do is face some issue or problem. But here I was looking at my bank accounts which normally triggered stress and fear.
For the rest of the evening I simply did WHATEVER I felt like doing. Most things seemed pointless by my usual thinking but I did it anyway. I scanned my doodle drawings onto my computer. Why? Who knows! I posted this experience on an ACIM FB group. But didn’t even look for responses/comments. I then created this blog. Why? I don’t REALLY know. But it felt healing. It felt good. I emailed clients. I made meals. I felt at Peace.
Some worries started to creep in. The next day I would have TWO shifts at the new job. My 11 year old was staying home sick. My dog who had just been diagnosed with a terminal illness could not be left at home while I went to work. There were some worries popping back in. And I have to say when I went to work again, there was a prompt “take half a xanex before you go.” Now normally I am pretty judgmental of myself about taking a pill. But this time I just said, “ok” and did it. I had a great time at work that day! I was actually noticing my coworkers and interacting with them. I was in a flow of tasks, one after the other, rush then calm and I was not thinking.
The miracles keep coming. Or should I say, the world kept spinning but instead of seeing things as scares I saw them as miracles. I was 30 min late for an apt and they could not see me after 1.5 hour drive to get there. Ok, must have been good for something that trip! I GET to work again today. ok lets see what other lessons I will learn or miracles I will see!
My ACIM Journal 