I want the peace of God! I want at least the happy dream! I have been in a showdown with my ego thoughts since yesterday. Intense fear/ panic.
I put on Living Miracles videos one after the other. Glimpses of hope. Then I had a thought about a scene from a documentary (the power of the heart) a woman Immaculée Ilibagiza who was in hiding in a bathroom with 7 women for 3 months hiding from armies with machetes looking to kill them. Her experience of intense fear and anger. She somehow managed to see her thoughts how anger and wanting to kill these people felt horrible and when she thought instead of love the anger lifted and peace returned. She was praying everyday but leaving out the line about forgiveness because she told god i can not see in my situation how this is possible. But she asked how she could. She had a massive awakening in that bathroom and the film showed clearly the steps. Even showing how she heard guidance.
She even says she is grateful everyday for that bathroom. I am in my “bathroom” right now. My whole panic started when i felt trapped in a situation. I was not allowed to leave where i was for three hours. I looked at a clock when i felt it had been near three hours and saw i still had two hours! I then Looked later two more times and somehow (i don’t know why) the time had not changed. It was exactly the same time -i still had two hours! It felt like groundhogs day from hell. My fear of being trapped is not claustrophobic but a fear of being TRAPPED IN TIME.
I have seen this film many many times but this is the first time since I started ACIM. This clip of the film walks you through how to unwind your mind, listen to guidance, choose again and forgive. I am writing all this because even as i write I can see the fear thoughts bubbling up and somehow sharing this story is calming me. I am trying so hard not to follow the fear and like Immaculee choose love instead. Thank you for listening. I want to see differently. I want peace I choose the happy dream for now so i can know God, trust spirit and be only love!
My ACIM Journal 